Shattered Emotions

Where to even start. Well, you can rest assured that this will not be a policial post. I loathe politics. Ever since the emergence of B6-13 (Scandal TV show reference), I already know what’s up (😉).

Today I’m here to talk about how as a Black, Muslim woman in America - I’m exhausted. My family and I have experienced five (5) deaths since September 2019:

• Aunt Teresa (my dad’s sister)

• My ex-husband (my son’s bio-dad)

• Mecca Morgan (high school classmate and fellow Clarinet player)

• Aunt Sarah (my mom’s sister)

• Fred “Smurf” Murdock (my 1st cousin on my dad’s side)

Couple all of this with:

1. A global pandemic, which prevents us from gathering as a family during difficult times.

2. The inability to move around, travel, and experience the joys that often help us deal with the pain of life.

3. A disgustingly, messy election.

4. The realization of how racist, sexist, and all the “ist” of this country, no world we live in.

All and all, ya girl is tired. I’ve been riding the high and lows of these last few months as if I were riding the biggest, tallest, loopiest roller coaster of life. I’ve felt myself dipping in and out of states of depression and anxiety. Fortunately, I know the triggers because of my time in therapy. However, I wasn’t prepared to experience all of this at once.

I also think about how fortunate I am to have a job where I’ve been working from home since 2017. From a work prospective, not much has changed. In fact, due to the pandemic, I’ve actually been able to save a little money. I guess not being able to use my freshly renewed passport has paid off in some ways (🙄). I can’t lie, I’m still holding onto hope that I’ll be able to use it in the near future (Insha’Allah = G’d Willing).

I titled this “Shattered Emotions” because with all of this stuff going on inside, I have little to no tolerance for the bullshit that is going on outside. When others talk about the election, impeachments, or the inauguration, I quietly nod knowing that I have little to no idea of what they’re talking about. I’ve filtered out the unnecessary chatter so well, that when my dad told me they were calling for snow ❄️ in Houston, I had absolutely no idea. And I’m okay with that.

What I’ve learned is that you have to listen to your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul. You have to find what serves you on your journey and pursue that. If you find that it’s too much, then it’s too damn much. Obviously, we can’t completely ignore our surroundings, and we have to be prepared for all kinds of scenarios; but we can work really hard fine tune our filter. If you’re triggered by the news, stop watching that shit. Period. It’s that simple.